The "IT" Dinosaur: Ana-Rex!

So there is a very skinny elephant that stands in the rooms of college dorms, fashion shoots, and even adult households. There are girls ripping pictures of thin models out of magazines and creating "Thinspirational" books. There are girls purging after lunch.

Now, I'm guilty. I admit it. I have had an eating disorder my whole life. Am I anorexic? Not technically. Am I bulemic? No, but I have done it. Am I an over eater? No, but I am guilty of emotional eating. I have beaten my fists into my stomach, and stared in a mirror wondering what it would be like to just cut it all off. I have bruised myself black, because I was so angry with my fat. I have starved myself, and purposely avoided taking a supplement I was supposed to take because it made me nauseas, and I thought it was helping to keep the weight on. I put myself into the hospital when I was younger, because I wanted nothing more than to be thin. I have eaten my favourite foods, and then felt guilty, or caught a glimpse of myself naked; then spent 15 minutes or longer to make myself throw up (it's REALLY hard for me to vomit). I have hung up pictures of thin women in my room as a focal point while I did hundreds of situps.
And my result? 302lbs (yes, I've lost weight) and still physically unhappy.

I was reading The F Word blog and found a post on Isabella Caro. She's 31-32 Kilos, which is roughly 68-70 lbs. No, I did not mistype that. I did not forget a 1. She is below 80lbs, even today with her pushing to gain weight. Now, why would I, a Plus Size woman read about an Anorexic living in France?
She was featured in a campaign called Nolita. It is a campaign by Flash & Company, and backed by such huge names as Giorgio Armani (wait, the man that uses size 00 models in his campaign?) and a few others based in Milan. Why is this such a shocker? Milan banned the use of models that are unhealthily skinny. As in, models that have a BMI under 18, which was VERY common in high end fashion. Now, models in Milan have to carry a certificate of health to prove that they are above the necessary BMI.

Artist and photographer Ivonne Thein opened her exhibit “Thirty-Two Kilos” not too long ago at the Goethe-Institut Washington. The title refers to the weight (about 70 pounds) of the French actress Isabelle Caro. Since the billboards, Caro's name has become synonamous with anorexia in the limelight. Though, Caro is now fighting against it with all her will.

Take a look at her below, and watch. If you are currently suffering from any eating disorder (ANY eating disorder at all) please check below for some resources to help guide you.
Fat, skinny, Anorexic, Bulemic, Over/under eater, emotional eating, whatever your problem is, please look below so you can find a counselor to help you through.

Follow this link to see the video on Isabelle Caro.

• F Word Blog: Nolita Campaign Bears All!
• Over Eaters Anonymous
• Anorexic & Bulemic Anonymous
• Experience Project: Anorexic Contact group
• Anonymous One: A full Anonymous program (Anorexic, Bulimic, Overeating, etc)
• Experience Project: Bulimic Contact group
• For emotional eating, please see over eaters, or great programs in your area like Weight Watchers & Jenny Craig.
• Weight Watchers
• Jenny Craig
  

Dont you realize fat is unhealthy?

Wake up, plushies. We are fat. Not plump, not big boned, not fluffy. Whatever nickname we love to give ourselves, truth of the matter is, we are fat. We have issues. Whether it's over eating, under eating, sedentary lifestyles, whatever the reason is, we have let ourselves go (or were never there to begin with).

One thing that is important, and that all overweight people have PERFECTED is personality and sense of humor. For years, we have had to overcompensate with personality for what we were lacking in the physical department. We are the funniest, nicest, sweetest, most humble and outgoing people you'll ever meet. But it's a different story behind closed doors. Well, time for us to just accept things as they are, or CHANGE THEM!
Here is a AWESOME blog I found about fat acceptance. Now some things, i dont agree with, only because i am attempting very hard at getting into peak physical condition. But it's still damned funny, and it makes me feel at ease.

Please go read this blog, at Fat Acceptance!

Don’t You Realize Fat Is Unhealthy?

1. Weight itself is not a health problem, except in the most extreme cases (i.e., being underweight or so fat you’re immobilized). In fact, fat people live longer than thin people and are more likely to survive cardiac events, and some studies have shown that fat can protect against “infections, cancer, lung disease, heart disease, osteoporosis, anemia, high blood pressure, rheumatoid arthritis and type 2 diabetes.” Yeah, you read that right: even the goddamned diabetes. Now, I’m not saying we should all go out and get fat for our health (which we wouldn’t be able to do anyway, because no one knows how to make a naturally thin person fat any more than they know how to make a naturally fat person thin; see point 4), but I’m definitely saying obesity research is turning up surprising information all the time — much of which goes ignored by the media — and people who give a damn about critical thinking would be foolish to accept the party line on fat. Just because you’ve heard over and over and over that fat! kills! doesn’t mean it’s true. It just means that people in this culture really love saying it.

2. Poor nutrition and a sedentary lifestyle do cause health problems, in people of all sizes. This is why it’s so fucking crucial to separate the concept of “obesity” from “eating crap and not exercising.” The two are simply not synonymous — not even close — and it’s not only incredibly offensive but dangerous for thin people to keep pretending that they are. There are thin people who eat crap and don’t exercise — and are thus putting their health at risk — and there are fat people who treat their bodies very well but remain fat. Really truly.

3. What’s more, those groups do not represent anomalies; no one has proven that fat people generally eat more or exercise less than thin people. Period. And believe me, they’ve tried. (Gina Kolata’s new book, Rethinking Thin, is an outstanding source for more on that point.)

4. Diets don’t work. No, really, not even if you don’t call them diets. If you want to tell me about how YOUR diet totally worked, do me a favor and wait until you’ve kept all the weight off for five years. Not one year, not four years, five years. And if you’ve kept it off for that long, congratulations. You’re literally a freak of nature.

5. Given that diets don’t work in the long-term for the vast, vast majority of people, even if obesity in and of itself were a health crisis, how the fuck would you propose we solve it?

6. Most fat people have already dieted repeatedly. And sadly, it’s likely that the dieting will cause them more health problems than the fat.

7. Human beings deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Fat people are human beings.

8. Even fat people who are unhealthy still deserve dignity and respect. Still human beings. See how that works?

9. In any case, shaming teh fatties for being “unhealthy” doesn’t fucking help. If shame made people thin, there wouldn’t be a fat person in this country, trust me. I wish I could remember who said this, ’cause it’s one of my favorite quotes of all time: “You cannot hate people for their own good.”

10. If you scratch an article on the obesity! crisis! you will almost always find a press release from a company that’s developing a weight loss drug — or from a “research group” that’s funded by such companies.

So let’s just be clear that if you want to tell me fat people are disgusting and unhealthy in comments, all I’m gonna do is point you back to this post. And/or point you to other posts from my blog or from one of my favorite fat bloggers, and/or bombard you with quotes from the aforementioned Gina Kolata, or Paul Campos, or J. Eric Oliver, or Michael Gard and Jan Wright, or Glenn Gaesser, or Marilyn Wann, or Laura Fraser. Seriously, you don’t even want to get me fucking started.

Oh, also? BMI is complete horseshit.

New experience!

Well, tonight Bea from Raw for Change, her husband, my boyfriend and myself all went to the Almond Blossom Cafe (Check out their blog, not as updated, but nice!) to listen to a lecture by Dr. Craig (Raw Foods bible author). Today was a little stressful, so i was looking forward to a relaxing night, with good food.


First things first, Dr. Craig was a fantastic speaker. I learned a lot about the toxins in our daily lives. I was both shocked, but not so shocked. As an educated person, I happily knew more than I thought about EMF (though, he kept saying EMF Fields.. drove Gio crazy, made me snicker) and free radicals. He was very informative about what exactly vitamins, enzymes and different things are and how heat makes them react (or destroys them)
He made a lot of great recommendations to incorporate more seaweed (or sea vegetables as he referred to them), more B12 and natural versions of Omega 3 (rather than via animal livers). I think the only complaint I had about the whole night was the craning of my neck to turn and look at him while he spoke and at the end, it became a slight infomercial. He had a LOT of things for sale, even how to turn your vehicle from a regular diesel fuel to a vegetable oil based fuel. Yes. Do it yourself fuel change, as in, do it yourself motor editing. This man surely knows how to be an entrepreneur. I was VERY impressed with that.
Only thing he didn't have an answer for, was how to relieve the toxins at the office. His recommendation? Quit my job. While I'd love to, to be able to do full time school and pursue my career, it's really not an option right now. I'm going to continue to look for a desktop purifier/humidifer just to ease the strain at my desk. I'm also getting an electric teapot so i can keep having tea warm all the time. :)

Now, the Almond Blossom Cafe has some of the BEST Raw/Vegan smoothies, E-V-A-R. They even have "cappuccino". They make some of the things with carob, cacao and all these things you would never think of (okay.. cacao i think of all the time. I'm actually ordering some from Amazon.com right now! RAW!)
Tonight on the menu was a salad with some spring mix and a lot of spinach, with these ... sprouted things? I know they were sprouted, thanks to Bea, but I can't place what they are. They were a bean of some sort. No, I'm not trying to scare you readers. It sounds plain, right? Not even CLOSE! It had this amazing drizzle on top. I tasted hemp seed, and peanut in the oil, but there was a slight citrus that I'm thinking was lemon? I loved it. I hope it's something they sell, I'd buy some in a heart beat.
The main course was zucchini spiral cut to look like rotini. It was fantastic. It had 2 large "meatballs" that were made of mushrooms, onions, scallions and a few other ingredients. The baby tomatoes were fantastic, slightly acidic but the oil throughout helped cut it down. There were so many ingredients to this one, if I wrote them all down, the blog would be about the "spaghetti".

And for dessert.... Oh... My... God. It was a raspberry & chocolate... cake? Mousse? It was very soft, and almost custard like, but formed into a cake. It was so good. It had agave nectar and coconut sprinkled around it. I could have eaten a bunch of them! I manage to snag a picture of it before I inhaled... er.. savored it.

To drink? Water, with a slice of lemon and cucumber. Also, a cup of hot tea with Yogi goji green tea. It was sweetened with Stevia. Normally, I use splenda. After doing some research, I am nixing my Splenda usage, and switching to Stevia, and Agave Nectar.

Reviews:
The food was amazing. I never thought of putting cucumber in my water, but it was absolutely... fantastic. The lecture was great, and the company I was with was absolutely fantastic as ever. Gio and I actually laughed a lot when we left. He had a VERY hard time with the zucchini rotini. He kept twirling it like pasta, so by the end, it was almost a full zucchini again!

It played a lot with my stomach tho. I got home, and definitely lived what he was talking about as far as bowel movements. I think it was the oils that played havoc with me, courtesy of my lack of gall bladder, but I was filled up, and my body was happy.

Afterward, my body feels clean. Full. Happy!

I am looking into some great recipes for Raw foods. Not that I am suggesting it, or swapping 100%, but I enjoyed it whole heartedly.

Enjoy!

PS: I love how on the cover of Dr. Craig's book, he has a sliced open Durian fruit! NUMMY!!

How much wood could a woodchuck ....eat?

So there comes a point where something has to break. Where the fat kids in us scream out and we give in..... Right?

Nope.

Today work bought us food again. They bought a huge tin of pasta with ricotta and mozzarella, a tin of sausage and peppers slathered in grease, and.... a HUGE TIN OF SALAD! There was also a few bags of baguette bites. Honestly, i didn't even want any of the pasta. It smelled delish, but it looked like red mush, or red throw up after a night of bad drinking. I had a big salad, with mixed greens and tomato, sprinkled with chopped cucumber and black olives. I fished out as much of the nasty onions as I could, but.... please answer me, why does anyone put onions in a salad??

I used a light drizzle of the italian dressing. The choices were Italian, or a creamy ranch. I happily chose the light Italian. I pressed 3 pieces of sausage between some paper towels to suck out as much oil as i could, and i cut them up and tossed them in.
I had one piece of baguette, which was smaller than the bottom of a coke can. I was slightly bad though. I had an 8oz glass (er.. plastic cup) of 7-up, that was flavoured like pomegranate! It was good, but it tasted more like seltzer, which i'm not a fan of.

I was going back through some of my favourite fitness magazines (Fitness and Womens Health, i think it's called?) to find some of the awesome weight loss supplies.



I re-stumbled upon a place called fit fresh. It's a GREAT place that has a ton of tupperware for portion control and ease of use. Visit it at Fit Fresh to check it out for yourself.
I'm going to get this one!! It will be great for those times that i have chicken and salad, or chicken and rice. Even though it's meant to stay chilled, it still allows for heating. This makes it super convenient. Also, if you look further on their site, they have a lunch bag formulated for their products. Corny, yes... but it is much better than carrying your junk in a WalMart canvas bag, right??

Hrm. I should get on designing cool lunch bags.

So my question for you out there in Blogland......

Are you influenced by the stars you see selling Nutrisystem and Weight watchers? If you are doing those programs, why? What made you choose that program in particular?

I'm looking into weight watchers. My insurance covers a portion of it! COOL isn't it?
Check with your health insurance to see if Weight Loss / Prevention is included. You'd be surprised.

Food in?

Okay. I'm hungry. My caloric intake was a little bit lower than expected. Okay. By a little, I mean a lot.

Breakfast:
Slim Quick Cap, Ton o'water.
Weight control oatmeal
Light & Fit Yogurt

Snack:
Water, Mint Green Tea, slim quick cap.

Lunch:
1/2 Subway turkey & ham w/the following
-Turkey & Ham
-Provolone
-Light lettuce
-Tomato
-Tons of black olives
-Cucumber
-light chipotle
100 Cal peaches in light syrup.
diet coke, water.

Snack:
Orange, slim quick cap, tea, water

Dinner:
Multigrain pasta, Mushroom & Pasta sauce (low sugar content)
Spinach added ontop (i'm weird, i know)

Indulgance:
1 weightwatcher's ice cream bar.

And....

I'm honestly hungry. I look at my intake, and i'm low on veggies. I'm low on like everything.

I'm noticing that if i dont eat as much as i should, I get cold easily and i feel tired. I tested my keytones today, and whew. Yes, burning fat like crazy.

I've been looking around to find good resources for women who are in the same boat as I am. I think that EVERYONE should read the book "Skinny Bitchin'". It's a journal designed by two... well.. skinny bitches. But, they are awesome, self righteous and LOVING bitches. They have some of the best quotes and writing assignments ever!

I can't wait to crack open my Barry's Bootcamp!

WOO!

Rise against, or get sucked under.

On days like this, the challenge to not fall prey to comfort foods is beyond hard. Part of my wants to dive face first into a pool of chocolate and drown my sorrows, and the other part of me is gritting my teeth and digging in my heels.
Days like today, where emotions run high and support runs low; I look for some one, some THING to be able to pull me through. I have been the rock & emotional support for so long (for so many people) that at the end of the day, I sit back and put my feet up and look around to no one there.
I sat down and ate dinner alone. Offering to cook or order something healthy for food, and got told he wasn't hungry. After an emotional day, I have three options.
1) Cook for myself when I already feel like crap.
2) Don't eat at all.
3) Substitute dinner for that big, comforting swirl of deep rich chocolate ice cream.

So I nuke some ziti with baked eggplant and mozzarella cheese grates. And ate it. Alone.

The hardest thing on any journey is going it alone, going it without a net, or going blindly. Most women that have my "problem" have experienced that drowning feeling of loneliness, no matter if they have a significant other or not. The seclusion that you feel from the other edges of the world are intense. Sometimes it's unfounded, but for the most part it comes from a history of feeling let down by humanity. Other times, it's very real.

So how was my food today, you ask?
Ridiculously good. I have been fiending for chocolate all day long. Seriously. I would gnaw on anyone's eyebrow if they told me that it tasted like chocolate.
Rhetorical question here: what in the world makes women fiend chocolate enough that (bar moral objections, if you have them... weirdos) murder is a viable option, if said victim had a nib of chocolate in their possession?

Work forked out lunch for us again, except this time it was... drum roll please?
Pizza.
No! I KID I KID!
It was actually subs & wraps from a local deli.
Wraps were chicken salad with lettuce & tomato.
Subs were 3 inch portions of turkey or this disgusting roast beast. I mean beef.

I stored my subway sandwich for tomorrow.

So what am i going to do to sate my loneliness and honest feeling of defeat from today?
I allowed myself 15 minutes to wallow. Now i'm going to get off my ass and sate my chocolate craving, by getting some frozen yogurt. Honestly, i think it's better than ice cream any day. Richer, thicker and more intensely flavoured. Hopefully they have my favourite one there.

So my advice to those of you reading?

Listen, not everyone is going to like you all the time.
Clients, customers, co workers, lovers, friends, family, children, pets, insects and deities alike.
Go to work tomorrow. Make a list of the things you are looking forward to doing when you get home. Look at pictures of your loved ones. Bring LOLCat pictures to work, or thinspirations (your inspiration for fitness, NOT the disgusting thinspirations of the bulemics and anorexics...healthy thinspo's, guys c'mon).

At the end of the day, take a deep breath. Look around your office, or cubicle or whatever you're stuck in for 8-12 hours of your day, and smile. Knowing that you are going home, to erase whatever happened that day. Remember what you're working towards, and know that you are better than whatever they keep throwing at you.

So for now, I bid you adieu. Tomorrow, i will post a great recipe for something sweet to help you Plush and fabu ladies (and gents) pull through those rough days.

Oh.
And just let it go, mmk?

And so it began.....

I sit back and wonder how I got to this point. I am 25 years old, about to be 26, and have passed the 300lb thresh hold. Previously, I would have never admitted this. I would have said I am happily 215, and bowed my head in pride. However, recently one of my obsessions has become being honest with myself. I am honest to other people, but I have spent the majourity of my life lying to the person that matters most: myself.

I look back at my life and wonder where it began. Who is to blame? Is there anyone but myself? The answer to that is complex. Looking back at my childhood, it was honestly a blur. I was raised very fast. Educated and pushed to become an adult so that I could handle life, especially if something were to happen to my parents. I was a fat kid, but never truly obese. They said I was "Chubby", and that it would dissipate with age. I remember my grandmother obsessing over cookies and cakes when she came to visit, and I never shied away. I remember someone in my childhood making a comment about how I snarfed down the sweets and how that changed me. I use to hide peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in my toy box as a VERY little kid so that I would have a snack if I got hungry before bed. Problem came in, I almost never ate it. Funny, isn't it?

One of my fondest memories of my Grandfather on my mothers side, is M&M's. He had a huge brandy snifter next to his bedside, and would call for me down the hall to come and retrieve my reward. Oh and did I. He would count one for him, and two for me. Two for him, one for me. We would take turns like that until the snifter went from overfilled to roughly halfway, and he'd send me traipsing back to my room to cuddle my record player and read my encyclopedias.

Some of my most comforting memories of my Grandmother on my mothers side is in the big brown double wide (yes, a real life trailer park. No, not one with Cletus and the brother married to the sister of the cousin of the mom) and the warm smell of her cooking. My Grandmother Powell was a lover of pastries and oh did she envelope me and my family in her passion for all foods ooey gooey and flaky. When it comes to Nana Powell, my memories seem to involve food. She was always bringing cookies or cakes or groceries to my parents when she would visit. My family spent the bulk of my childhood being broke, and my Nana did the best she knew how to comfort and help us. Food was just one of the many, but it seems to stick out in my mind the most. When I think of her, I think of cookies, cakes and oddly enough, Marlboro Lights (her intense cigarette addiction, obviously). I have few memories of my Nana Powell that don't revolve around food, unfortunately. I remember board games, and reading her stories, but even in those instances, I can still recount what passed my lips and entered my stomach.

I dont blame my mother, or my mothers family. I do think that my Grandmother had a hand in things, but I refuse to put this on anyone's shoulders but my own. My mothers side of the family were not the only culprits in my introduction to sweets and junk. My Nana Fish (my Father's mother) cooked the most incredible food (aside from my Mom, of course) and would share it in massive doses. My Nana was a very serious diabetic, but refused to really deal with it; ultimately causing her death. I remember Thanksgivings with the family wrapped around a table bedecked with foods of every shape, colour and size. Over arguments turning into laughter and discussions on everything from religion to jokes to who is winning the football games; we would keep dipping our forks or spoons into the foods infront of us. Pink stuff (whipped cream, strawberries, cottage cheese and jello mixed into this sinfully delish treat) dominated our dessert table, along with pumpkin pie. I honestly have some of the best memories in the world of my Nana Fish, and hers dont centre around food. I remember bright sunny days with her neon orange toenail and fingernail polish reflecting. Her light southern accent sounding like sharpened wind chimes chirping, laughing at the simplest things. God, I love my Nana. This brings tears to my eyes.

I would have never admitted to using food as my crutch, but alas, it seems to be true. I have been ultra stressed lately, working 60 hours or more a week and worrying about my weight along with mundane things like money. In those most stressful times, I find myself aching for a cup of hot tea, and a chocolate chip cookie (or 10). Towards the end of the day at work today, when I was fuming from a decision made by a manager I found myself salivating at the thought of chocolate melting on my tongue. I would have never admitted to having a true problem with food, but I truly do. Do I over eat? Not for the most part. Just like any skinny person out there, I have my days. What's the difference you ask? Most skinny people wouldn't hide what they eat from the person they love, for fear of judgement. No, he won't judge me. He supports me, and helps me; but that fear still exists from the pits of my stomach, echoing the words from my childhood.

The only difference is, today I ADMIT it.